“Mom, I just booked a one-way ticket to China.” I cocked my head and wondered if I had just heard my 22-year-old son correctly.
A flight to China was totally illogical. He doesn’t speak Chinese. Did not know a soul in China. Had no living accommodations, no travel visa, no job, and no money. Still, he had purchased a ticket.
One way.
“I want to go to China this summer and I knew that if I didn’t commit myself, I would find some reason to back out.”
He learned to really, really love dumplings while he was there.
Waiting for Courage
How do you develop the ability, in the moment that you are feeling most afraid, to see fear for what it really is–an imposter from the future who has convinced you that the worst will happen, when in fact, nothing at all has happened…yet…?
Courage or Crazy?
The photo above is of me. I’m giving the photographer a thumbs-up to let her know I’m having a great time scuba diving. I was not having a great time. You can see it in my eyes. Nope. Not really having fun. Just faking it because it will make a better photo.
I think jumping into the water might have been the closest I’ve ever come to a panic attack. Panting for breath in the frigid water and unable to maneuver with the heavy tank strapped to my back, weights wrapped around my waist, and flippers on my feet, I floated helplessly while my husband waved to me to come back and join the rest of the group. They were ready to descend. I was drifting away in the current. I was only sure of one thing: There was no way I was putting my head under water.
This was going to be a very shallow dive.
Doing it Afraid
The instructor noticed me, and taking me by the hand said, “Come. Near tu familia. Find tu confianza.” I suppose I am not the first middle-aged woman he had attempted to teach to dive. He knew intuitively how to help me find courage: “Come. Near tu familia.” That thought gave me access to the only source of mental fortitude I had. People I love were nearby. I was pretty confident they would not let me drown. My family became a firm place where I could anchor my waning confidence.
With some mental exertion, I lowered my face and allowed my head to sink below the surface. The instant I did, something miraculous happened. As the water enveloped me and sound gave way to silence except for my own rhythmic breathing, the heaving in my chest gave way to calm. The tank and regulator were doing their job. My panic evaporated.
I didn’t get to see what I had planned to see that morning. The water was murky and visibility was low. The only reward for my bravery was a single school of fish shimmering past us as we gripped a yellow cord and followed the instructor along the coral reef below us.
Find Tu Confianza
Because I had sucked most of the oxygen out of my tank during my panic-laced float on the surface, I had to return to the boat after only 30 minutes. Despite that, I don’t consider this scuba dive a failure. Fear makes you alert. Heightened senses allow you to see and taste and feel sensations you have never had before. You are never the same again after you have your first experience breathing underwater.
Both fear and courage are a choice. You can wait until your confidence is restored while you float around on the surface, or you can do the deep dive while you’re still afraid. “Brave people don’t wait for courage,” Jeff Goins has said. “They do it afraid.” And if they are lucky, they do it near a coral reef, just below the surface of the Pacific Ocean, with loved-ones floating on the current nearby.
Just in case.
