It has been ten years since I first peeked into a bassinet at 2 a.m. after a cross-country plane ride, and saw a dark little head of hair for the first time. I felt an incredible new surge of love. It was not that different from when I held my own newborn son for the first time. I have made a lot of mistakes in ten years. I have also settled into my role as a grandmother with a little less anxiety and a lot more grace for myself (and others). Here are ten of the most important things I’ve learned since I became a Grandmother:
1. Be intentional about creating an abundant life for yourself.
I’m calling this my “third season” and approaching it with the same enthusiasm I had jumping into my college experience in my 20s. It is fun to flip the aging mindset on its head! This is a whole new world opening up to me. I want to prioritize staying fit and healthy, nurturing friendships, and developing fun new hobbies that keep me young at heart. I want to be a friendly, vibrant person who learns continually. I still have time to make the world a better place.
2. My relationship with Grandpa is a key component of my happiness.
In the beginning, I made the mistake of neglecting Grandpa a little so I could prioritize time with the grandkids. Now that I have righted the ship by giving my partnership more priority, I realize how much joy I almost left on the table. If you are married and are now an empty-nester, you can develop your coupleship into something replenishing and joyful. A partnership can become better and better with intentional effort (and maybe a little therapy). We are both re-creating ourselves in our new third season of life. We’re building deeper connection using time and money we lacked in the first and second seasons.
3. Apologize Quickly, Forgive Easily
When you welcome a new son or daughter-in-law into the family, it’s critical to remember you are creating a relationship with someone who has grown up under a completely different family system. It may take everyone a while to adjust. Keep working at it. Apologize quickly and forgive easily when mistakes happen. Five phrases have helped me have a better relationship with my adult children:
- Tell me about what you are up to right now that is lighting you up
- Thank you
- I’m sorry
- I love you
- You are doing a great job!
As long as relationships with the parents are warm and close, the relationship with the grandkids will be a natural outgrowth. I am learning to greet my adult kids with the same love and excitement I show the grandkids when they arrive. I plan lunch dates with my adult daughters and daughters-in-law to do things they enjoy. We schedule regular girls-only and guys-only recreation so we can nurture these adult-to-adult relationships and strengthen the entire family ecosystem.
4. My pillow travels just fine and I can nap when the parents can’t
Many parents of infants and young children appreciate an offer of respite childcare that allows them some downtime for a date or an uninterrupted night of sleep. I call these opportunities “Play Dates,” rather than “babysitting.” I plan intentional activities that are fun for me and designed around the grandkids’ interests. Parents get a moment to themselves. Grandpa and I get time with the grandkids. The grandkids have fun with us. It’s a win-win-win.
5. Adult children appreciate reassurance, not advice
Mentally healthy adults will become good parents almost the moment they announce a pregnancy. You can trust them to do the very best they know how, just like you trusted yourself. Stand back and be amazed. They will ask for advice if they need it. If they didn’t ask, they probably don’t want your opinion. It will come off sounding like criticism, no matter how well-intentioned. Just don’t say it.
6. Peanut butter sandwiches are compostable.
It’s OK to leave food on your plate. Hugs and kisses are not your grandparental right. Your old crib is unsafe. Best practices and parental advice have changed since you were a parent. Everything from good nutrition to good sleep is changing as new research, safety guidelines, and social media influence parenting decisions. Our adult children have sound and logical reasons for their own rules. Ignoring their rules and doing it your way “because you are the grandma” is a sure way to invite conflict and resentment. Our job is to honor their privilege to be the parents, giving them space to parent according to their own best judgment. Become curious and ask non-judgmental questions about their parenting rules. A lot has changed. There’s a LOT you don’t know. Also, band-aids have magical healing powers. Keep plenty of colorful ones on hand at all times.
7. “How Can I Help?” can be a really good question.
My adult children will tell me what kind of help they need and also what kind of help they don’t need if I will simply ask.
8. The other grandparents are part of the team who will make life great for your grandchild. That’s something to celebrate.
Matrilineal advantage is a term that helps describe why mothers often get along well with their daughters but may struggle more to create close connections with their daughters-in-law. It also helps explain why your son’s family may not naturally spend as much time with you as your daughter’s does. Understanding why matrilineal advantage exists can help you feel a little less “snubbed” and a lot more grateful that your daughter-in-law has such great parents who also love your grandchildren and are working hard to help them have a great life.
Take some of the pressure off your daughter-in-law by being the one to make an effort at kinkeeping (visiting, planning meals, sending cards, making phone calls) instead of feeling like that’s her job. YOU get on the plane and go for a visit now and then. And stay in a hotel, for goodness sake. Your daughter-in-law doesn’t need you underfoot the entire span of your visit. (Besides, you can sleep in if you choose to).
9. “Ambiguous Loss” is the name for the grief you may feel if your grandchildren live far away.
Long-distance grandparenting is hard and the pain can be acute. You aren’t going crazy. There is help and support as you navigate the grieving process. Kerry Byrne who founded The Long Distance Grandparent Society introduced me to the term, “ambiguous loss.” It’s an unsettling, profound feeling of loss and sadness. It happens when the emotional connection is intact, but the physical connection is missing.
Likewise, if things haven’t gone as planned and you are beginning to feel estranged, it’s important not to navigate that alone. Experts can help you avoid some of the mistakes that turn estrangement into “no contact” with your grandchildren. Help is available and you’ll do better when you realize you are not alone. Your intuition will often tell you to get militant about it. This is one time your intuition may be urging you to do exactly the wrong thing. If you feel this sense of loss, reach out for help.
10. Plan your family vacations a year in advance.
Our experience has been that buying experiences is superior to buying things for our grandchildren. I will never get tired of watching the videos I’ve made of the kids’ first time at the beach, or the sledding day in the backyard during Christmas break. We plan vacations well in advance, including an annual get-together with the entire family (adult kids and all of the cousins). There’s nothing like a vacation for creating memories that stick.
Bonus Tip:
Your inability to fold up your grandchild’s stroller is not an indication of weakness or failing mental acuity. It’s just something you haven’t learned yet. Grandparenting is an adventure in learning and wonder. Give yourself and everyone else a little bit of grace. You are in for a lifetime of happy memories. Savor every possible moment.
Note: I am indebted to Kerry Byrne, DeeDee Moore, and other grandparent friends who have eased my journey along the way by helping me to navigate some grandparenting missteps. I recommend you find and follow trusted mentors.
